The Devil’s Dictionary: N

nectar, n. A drink +served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is +lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a +knowledge of its chief ingredient.

Juno drank a cup of nectar,

But the draught did not affect her.

Juno drank a cup of rye—

Then she bad herself good-bye.

J. G.

negro, n. The piece de resistance in the American +political problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to +build their equation thus: “Let n = the white man.” This, however, appears to +give an unsatisfactory solution.

neighbor, n. One +whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to +make us disobedient.

Newtonian, adj. Pertaining +to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an +apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and +disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.

nihilist, n. A +Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the +school is Tolstoi.

Nirvana, n. In the +Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, +particularly to those wise enough to understand it.

nobleman, n. Nature’s +provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and +suffer high life.

noise, n. A stench +in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of +civilization.

nominate, v. To +designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable +person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition.

nominee, n. A +modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently +seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.

nose, n. The +extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have +great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose +the organ of quell. It has been observed that one’s nose is never so happy as +when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have +drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

There’s a man with a Nose,

And wherever he goes

The people run from him and shout:

“No cotton have we

For our ears if so be

He blow that interminous snout!”

So the lawyers applied

For injunction. “Denied,”

Said the Judge: “the defendant prefixion,

Whate’er it portend,

Appears to transcend

The bounds of this court’s jurisdiction.”

Arpad Singiny

notoriety, n. The +fame of one’s competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible +and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob’s-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, +with angels ascending and descending.

noumenon, n. That +which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems to exist, the +latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficult to locate; it can be +apprehended only be a process of reasoning—which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, +the discovery and exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls +“the endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought.” Hurrah (therefore) +for the noumenon!

novel, n. A short +story padded. A species of composition bearing the same relation to literature +that the panorama bears to art. As it is too long to be read at a sitting the +impressions made by its successive parts are successively effaced, as in the +panorama. Unity, totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages +last read all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. +To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its distinguishing +principle, probability, corresponds to the literal actuality of the photograph +and puts it distinctly into the category of reporting; whereas the free wing of +the romancer enables him to mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be +fitted to attain; and the first three essentials of the literary art are +imagination, imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it +was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace to its +ashes—some of which have a large sale.