The Devil’s Dictionary: J

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel—than which nothing could be more +absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of +the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing +for a Latin verb, jacere, “to throw,” because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog’s tail assumes that +shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. +Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions +on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being +reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.

jealous, adj. Unduly +concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

jester, n. An +officer formerly attached to a king’s household, whose business it was to amuse +the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by +his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the +world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were +sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all +mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have +ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the +circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection +of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the +marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.

The widow-queen of Portugal

Had an audacious jester

Who entered the confessional

Disguised, and there confessed her.

“Father,” she said, “thine ear bend down—

My sins are more than scarlet:

I love my fool—blaspheming clown,

And common, base-born varlet.”

“Daughter,” the mimic priest replied,

“That sin, indeed, is awful:

The church’s pardon is denied

To love that is unlawful.

“But since thy stubborn heart will be

For him forever pleading,

Thou’dst better make him, by decree,

A man of birth and breeding.”

She made the fool a duke, in hope

With Heaven’s taboo to palter;

Then told a priest, who told the Pope,

Who damned her from the altar!

Barel Dort

Jews-harp, n. An +unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.

Joss-sticks, n. Small +sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

justice, n. A +commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the +citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.