From 46439007cf417cbd9ac8049bb4122c890097a0fa Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "Charles.Forsyth" Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2006 20:52:35 +0000 Subject: 20060303-partial --- lib/ebooks/devils/E.html | 629 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 629 insertions(+) create mode 100644 lib/ebooks/devils/E.html (limited to 'lib/ebooks/devils/E.html') diff --git a/lib/ebooks/devils/E.html b/lib/ebooks/devils/E.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..ed43e176 --- /dev/null +++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/E.html @@ -0,0 +1,629 @@ + + + + + + +The Devil’s Dictionary: E + + + + +

E

+ +

eat, v.i. To perform +successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

+ +

“I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,” said Brillat-Savarin, beginning +an anecdote. “What!” interrupted Rochebriant; “eating dinner in a drawing-room?” “I must beg you to +observe, monsieur,” explained the great gastronome, “that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I +had dined an hour before.”

+ +

eavesdrop, v.i. Secretly +to overhear a catalogue +of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.

+ + + + + +

+ +

A lady with one of her ears applied
+To an open keyhole heard, inside,
+Two female gossips in converse +free—
+The subject engaging them was she.
+“I think,” said +one, “and my husband thinks
+That she’s a prying, inquisitive minx!”
+As soon as no more of it she could +hear
+The lady, indignant, removed her +ear.
+“I will not stay,” +she said, with a pout,
+“To hear my character lied about!”

+ +

Gopete Sherany.

+ +

eccentricity, n. A method of distinction so cheap +that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

+ +

economy, n. Purchasing +the barrel of whiskey that you do +not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

+ +

edible, adj. Good to eat, +and wholesome to digest, as a +worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man +to a worm.

+ +

editor, n. A person who combines the judicial functions +of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely +virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of +others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning +and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers +petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a +mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the +evening star. Master of mysteries and +lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with +the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue +a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths +to suit. And at intervals from behind +the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches +of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom +and whack up some pathos.

+ + + + + +

+ +

O, the Lord of Law +on the Throne of Thought,
+A gilded impostor is he.
+Of shreds and +patches his robes are wrought,
+ +His crown is brass,
+ +Himself an ass,
+ +And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
+Prankily, crankily prating of +naught,
+Silly old quilly old Monarch of +Thought.
+ +Public opinion’s +camp-follower he,
+Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
+ +Affected,
+ +Ungracious,
+ +Suspected,
+ +Mendacious,
+Respected contemporaree!

+ +

J.H. Bumbleshook.

+ +

education, n. That +which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of +understanding.

+ +

effect, n. The second of two phenomena which always +occur together in the same order. The +first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other—which is no more sensible +than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a +rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a dog.

+ +

egotist, n. A +person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

+ + + + + +

+ +

Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
+In the halls of legislative debate,
+One day with all his credentials +came
+To the capitol’s door and announced +his name.
+The doorkeeper looked, with a +comical twist
+Of the face, at the eminent +egotist,
+And said: “Go away, for we settle here
+All manner of questions, knotty and +queer,
+And we cannot have, when the +speaker demands
+To be told how every member stands,
+A man who to all things under the +sky
+Assents by eternally voting ‘I’.” +

+ +

ejection, n. An approved remedy for the disease of +garrulity. It is also much used in +cases of extreme poverty.

+ +

elector, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of +voting for the man of another man’s choice.

+ +

electricity, n. The power that causes all natural +phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to +strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and +good man’s career. The memory of Dr. +Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a +waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching +account of his life and services to science:

+ +

“Monsieur +Franqulin, inventor of electricity. +This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the +world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a +single fragment was ever recovered.”

+ +

Electricity seems +destined to play a most important part in the arts and industries. The question of its economical application +to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it +will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a +horse.

+ +

elegy, n. A composition in verse, in which, without +employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the +reader’s mind the dampest kind of dejection. +The most famous English example begins somewhat like this:

+ + + + + +

+ +

The cur foretells +the knell of parting day;
+ +The loafing herd +winds slowly o’er the lea;
+The wise man +homeward plods; I only stay
+ +To fiddle-faddle +in a minor key. +

+ +

eloquence, n. +The art of orally persuading fools that white +is the color that it appears to be. It +includes the gift of making any color appear white.

+ +

elysium, n. An imaginary delightful country which the +ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was +swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians—may their souls be +happy in Heaven!

+ +

emancipation, +n. A bondman’s change from the tyranny +of another to the despotism of himself.

+ + + + + +

+ +

He was a +slave: at word he went and came;
+ +His iron collar cut +him to the bone.
+Then Liberty +erased his owner’s name,
+ +Tightened the +rivets and inscribed his own.

+ +

G. J.

+ +

embalm, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases +upon which it feeds. By embalming their +dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable +life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and +incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, +and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor’s lawn as a +tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long +inutility. We shall get him after +awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are +languishing for a nibble at his glutoeus +maximus.

+ +

emotion, n. A prostrating disease caused by a +determination of the heart to the head. +It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride +of sodium from the eyes.

+ +

encomiast, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar.

+ +

end, n. The position farthest removed on either hand +from the Interlocutor.

+ + + + + +

+ +

The man was +perishing apace
+ +Who played the +tambourine;
+The seal of death +was on his face—
+ +‘Twas pallid, for +‘twas clean.

+ +

“This is the end,” +the sick man said
+ +In faint and +failing tones.
+A moment later he +was dead,
+ +And Tambourine was +Bones.

+ +

Tinley Roquot.

+ +

enough, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.

+ + + + + +

+ +

Enough is as good +as a feast—for that matter
+Enougher’s as good as a feast for the platter.

Arbely C. Strunk.

+ +

entertainment, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads +stop short of death by injection.

+ +

enthusiasm, n. A distemper of youth, curable by +small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of +experience. Byron, who recovered long +enough to call it “entuzy-muzy,” had a relapse, which carried him off—to +Missolonghi.

+ +

envelope, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a +bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

+ +

envy, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

+ +

epaulet, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish +a military officer from the enemy—that is to say, from the officer of lower +rank to whom his death would give promotion.

+ +

epicure, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious +philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted +no time in gratification from the senses.

+ +

epigram, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, +frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable +epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:

+ +

+
We know better the +needs of ourselves than of others. To +serve oneself is economy of administration.
+
In each human +heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
+
There are three +sexes; males, females and girls.
+
Beauty in women +and distinction in men are alike in this: +they seem to be +the unthinking a kind of credibility.
+
Women in love are +less ashamed than men. They have less +to be ashamed of.
+
While your friend +holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch +both his.
+

+ + + +

epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that +virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:

+ + + + + +

+ +

Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,
+Wise, pious, humble and all that,
+Who showed us life as all should +live it;
+Let that be said—and God forgive +it!

+ +

erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty +skull.

+ + + + + +

+ +

So wide his erudition’s mighty +span,
+He knew Creation’s origin and plan
+And only came by accident to grief—
+He thought, poor man, ‘twas right +to be a thief.

+ +

Romach Pute.

+ +

esoteric, adj. Very particularly abstruse and +consummately occult. The ancient +philosophies were of two kinds,—exoteric, +those that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody could +understand. It is the latter that have +most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our +time.

+ +

ethnology, n. The science that treats of the various +tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and +ethnologists.

+ +

Eucharist, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of +Theophagi.

+ +

A dispute once +unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they +ate. In this controversy some five +hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

+ +

eulogy, n. Praise of a person who has either the +advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

+ +

evangelist, n. A bearer of good tidings, +particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and +the damnation of our neighbors.

+ +

everlasting, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I +venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of +the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, A +Partial Definition of the Word “Everlasting,” as Used in the Authorized Version +of the Holy Scriptures. His book was +once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I +understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.

+ +

exception, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ +from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. “The exception proves the rule” is an +expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one +another with never a thought of its absurdity. +In the Latin, “Exceptio probat regulam” means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. +The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum +and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears +to be immortal.

+ +

excess, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by +appropriate penalties the law of moderation.

+ + + + + +

+ +

+ +Hail, high +Excess—especially in wine,
+ +To thee in worship +do I bend the knee
+ + Who preach abstemiousness unto me—
+My skull thy +pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
+Precept on +precept, aye, and line on line,
+ +Could ne’er +persuade so sweetly to agree
+ +With reason as thy +touch, exact and free,
+Upon my forehead +and along my spine.
+At thy command +eschewing pleasure’s cup,
+ +With the hot grape +I warm no more my wit;
+ +When on thy stool +of penitence I sit
+I’m quite converted, for I can’t +get up.
+Ungrateful he who afterward would +falter
+To make new sacrifices at thine +altar!

+ +

excommunication, n.

+ + + + + +

+ +

This “excommunication” is a word
+In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
+And means the +damning, with bell, book and candle,
+Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal—
+A rite permitting +Satan to enslave him
+Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.

+ +

Gat Huckle.

+ +

executive, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it +is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the +judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no +effect. Following is an extract from an +old book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished—Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, +1803:

+
Lunarian: Then when your Congress has passed a law it +goes directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional?
+ +
Terrestrain: O no; it does not require the approval of +the Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many years somebody objects to its +operation against himself—I mean his client. +The President, if he approves it, begins to execute it at once.
+ +
Lunarian: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.
+ +
Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce?
+ +
Terrestrian: Not yet—at least not in their character of constables. +Generally speaking, though, all laws require the approval of those whom they are intended to restrain.
+ +
Lunarian: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer.
+ +
Terrestrian: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent.
+ +
Lunarian: But this system of maintaining an expensive +judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and then +only when brought before the court by some private person—does it not cause great confusion?
+ +
Terrestrian: It does.
+ +
Lunarian: Why then should not your laws, previously to +being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief +Justice of the Supreme Court?
+ +
Terrestrian: There is no precedent for any such course.
+ +
Lunarian: Precedent. What is that?
+ +
Terrestrian: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers +in three volumes each. So how can any one know?
+

+ +

exhort, v.t. In +religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it +to a nut-brown discomfort.

+ +

exile, n. One who serves his country by residing +abroad, yet is not an ambassador.

+ +

An English +sea-captain being asked if he had read “The Exile of Erin,” replied: “No, sir, but I should like to anchor on +it.” Years afterwards, when he had been +hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following +memorandum was found in the ship’s log that he had kept at the time of his +reply:

+ +

Aug. 3d, +1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world!

+ +

existence, n.

+ + + + + +

+ +

A transient, +horrible, fantastic dream,
+Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
+From which we’re +wakened by a friendly nudge
+Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: “O fudge!”

+ +

experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize +as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

+ + + + + +

+ +

To one who, +journeying through night and fog,
+Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
+Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
+Reveals the path that he should not +have gone.

+ +

Joel Frad Bink.

+ +

expostulation, n. One of the many methods by which +fools prefer to lose their friends.

+ +

extinction, n. The raw material out of which +theology created the future state.

+ + + + + -- cgit v1.2.3