From 46439007cf417cbd9ac8049bb4122c890097a0fa Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "Charles.Forsyth" Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2006 20:52:35 +0000 Subject: 20060303-partial --- lib/ebooks/devils/D.html | 536 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 536 insertions(+) create mode 100644 lib/ebooks/devils/D.html (limited to 'lib/ebooks/devils/D.html') diff --git a/lib/ebooks/devils/D.html b/lib/ebooks/devils/D.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6bd08ff1 --- /dev/null +++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/D.html @@ -0,0 +1,536 @@ + + + + + + +The Devil’s Dictionary: D + + + + + +

D

+ +

damn, v. A word formerly much used by the +Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of +satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. +Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it +expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in +combination with the word jod or god, meaning “joy.” It would be with great diffidence that I +should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable +authorities.

+ +

dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering +music, preferably with arms about your neighbor’s wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all +those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in +common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

+ +

danger, n.

+ + + + + +
+ +

A savage beast which, when it sleeps,
+ +Man girds at and despises,
+But takes himself away by leaps
+ +And bounds when it arises.

+ +

Ambat Delaso.

+ +
+ +

daring, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.

+ +

datary, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman +Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope’s bulls with the +words Datum Romae.He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.

+ +

dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to +bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that +time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise +mortifying the flesh. They then point +with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe +years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their +habits, but in spite of them. The +reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all +the others who have tried it.

+ +

day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly +misspent. This period is divided into +two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the former devoted to +sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.

+ +

dead, adj.

+ + + + + +
+ +

+Done with the work of breathing; +done
+ +With all the world; the mad race +run
+ +Though to the end; the golden goal
+ +Attained and found to be a hole!

+ +

Squatol Johnes.

+ +
+ +

debauchee, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure +that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.

+ +

debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and +whip of the slave-driver.

+ + + + + +
+ +

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
+ +Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
+Pressing his nose against the glass that +holds him,
+Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
+ +So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
+Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
+Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
+And finds at last he might as well +have paid it.

+ +

Barlow S. Vode.

+ +
+ + +

decalogue, n. A series of commandments, ten in number—just +enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to +embarrass the choice. Following is the +revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

+ + + + + +
+ +

Thou shalt no God but me adore:
+ +‘Twere too expensive to have more.

+ +

No images nor idols make
+ +For Robert Ingersoll to break.

+ +

Take not God’s name in vain; select
+A time when it will have effect.

+ +

Work not on Sabbath days at all,
+But go to see the teams play ball.

+ +

Honor thy parents. That creates
+For life insurance lower rates.

+ +

Kill not, abet not those who kill;
+Thou shalt not pay thy butcher’s bill.

+ +

Kiss not thy neighbor’s wife, unless
+Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

+ +

Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete
+Successfully in business. Cheat.

+ +

Bear not false witness—that is low—
+But “hear ‘tis rumored so and so.”

+ +

Covet thou naught that thou hast not
+By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

+ +

G. J.

+ +
+ + + +

decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set +of influences over another set.

+ + + + + +
+ +

A leaf was riven from a tree,
+“I mean to fall to earth,” said he.

+ +

The west wind, rising, made him veer.
+“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”

+ +

The east wind rose with greater force.
+Said he: “’Twere wise to change my course.”

+ +

With equal power they contend.
+He said: “My judgment I suspend.”

+ +

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
+Cried: “I’ve decided to fall straight.”

+ +

“First thoughts are best?” That’s not the moral;
+Just choose your own and we’ll not quarrel.

+ +

Howe’er your choice may chance to fall,
+You’ll have no hand in it at all.

+ +

G. J.

+ +
+ +

defame, v.t. To lie about +another. To tell the truth about another.

+ +

defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.

+ +

degenerate, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than +one’s ancestors. The contemporaries of +Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a +rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with +ease. Homer never tires of sneering at +“men who live in these degenerate days,” which is perhaps why they suffered him +to beg his bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for +if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.

+ +

degradation, n. One of the stages of moral and +social progress from private station to political preferment.

+ +

deinotherium, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished +when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry +Dactyl or Peter O’Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

+ +

dejeuner, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in +Paris. Variously pronounced.

+ +

delegation, n. In American politics, an article of +merchandise that comes in sets.

+ +

deliberation, n. The act of examining one’s bread to +determine which side it is buttered on.

+ +

deluge, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which +washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.

+ +

delusion, n. The father of a most respectable family, +comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many +other goodly sons and daughters.

+ + + + + +
+ +

All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee
+The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
+For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
+Would fly abandoned Virtue’s gross advances.

+ +

Mumfrey Mappel.

+ +
+ +

dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into +your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

+ +

dependent, adj. Reliant upon another’s generosity +for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

+ +

deputy, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of +his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs +extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor’s broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.

+ + + + + +
+ +

“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried,
+“To-day the books are to be tried
+By experts and accountants who
+Have been commissioned to go through
+Our office here, to see if we
+Have stolen injudiciously.
+Please have the proper entries made,
+The proper balances displayed,
+Conforming to the whole amount
+Of cash on hand—which they will count.
+I’ve long admired your punctual way—
+Here at the break and close of day,
+Confronting in your chair the crowd
+Of business men, whose voices loud
+And gestures violent you quell
+By some mysterious, calm spell—
+Some magic lurking in your look
+That brings the noisiest to book
+And spreads a holy and profound
+Tranquillity o’er all around.
+So orderly all’s done that they
+Who came to draw remain to pay.
+But now the time demands, at last,
+That you employ your genius vast
+In energies more active. Rise
+And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
+Inspire your underlings, and fling
+Your spirit into everything!”
+The Master’s hand here dealt a whack
+Upon the Deputy’s bent back,
+When straightway to the floor there fell
+A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
+A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
+The man had been a twelvemonth dead.

+

Jamrach Holobom.

+ +
+ + + +

destiny, n. A tyrant’s authority for crime and fool’s excuse for failure.

+ +

diagnosis, n. A physician’s forecast of the disease by the +patient’s pulse and purse.

+ +

diaphragm, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of +the chest from disorders of the bowels.

+ +

diary, n. A daily record of that part of one’s life, +which he can relate to himself without blushing.

+ + + + + +
+ +

Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
+All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
+So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
+Erased all entries of his own and cried:
+“I’ll judge you by your diary.” Said Hearst:
+“Thank you; ‘twill show you I am Saint the First”—
+Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
+That record from a pocket in his shroud.
+The Angel slowly turned the pages o’er,
+Each stupid line of which he knew before,
+Glooming and +gleaming as by turns he hit
+On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
+Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
+“My friend, you’ve wandered from your proper track:
+You’d never be content this side the tomb—
+For big ideas Heaven has little room,
+And Hell’s no latitude for making mirth,”
+He said, and +kicked the fellow back to earth.

+ +

“The Mad Philosopher.”

+ +
+ +

dictator, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the +pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.

+ +

dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language +and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

+ +

die, n. The singular of “dice.” +We seldom hear the word, because there is a +prohibitory proverb, “Never say die.” At long intervals, however, some one says: +“The die is cast,” which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by +that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:

+ + + + + +
+ +

A cube of cheese no larger than a die

+ May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. + +
+ +

digestion, n. The conversion of victuals into +virtues. When the process is imperfect, +vices are evolved instead—a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. +Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

+ +

diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.

+ +

disabuse, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better error than the one +which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.

+ +

discriminate, v.i. To note the particulars in which +one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

+ +

discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

+ +

disobedience, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

+ +

disobey, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command.

+ + + + + +
+ +

His right to govern me is clear as day,
+My duty manifest to disobey;
+And if that fit observance e’er I shut
+May I and duty be alike undone.

+ +

Israfel Brown.

+ +
+ + + +

dissemble, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character.

+ +

Let us dissemble.—Adam.

+ +

distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for +the poor to call theirs, and keep.

+ +

distress, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

+ +

divination, n. The art of nosing out the +occult. Divination is of as many kinds +as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.

+ +

dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity +designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and +silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there +is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival—an anachronism. He toils not, +neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat +all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the +means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a +look of tolerant recognition.

+ +

dragoon, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure +that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback.

+ +

dramatist, n. One who adapts plays from the French.

+ +

druids, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic +religion which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human +sacrifice. Very little is now known +about the Druids and their faith. Pliny +says their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as +Persia. Caesar says those who desired +to study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have obtained any +high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for human sacrifice +was considerable.

+ +

Druids performed their +religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the +season-ticket system of pew rents. They +were, in short, heathens and—as they were once complacently catalogued by a +distinguished prelate of the Church of England—Dissenters.

+ +

duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

+ +

duel, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the +reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the +most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.

+ + + + + +
+ +

That dueling’s a gentlemanly vice
+ +I hold; and wish that it had been my lot
+ +To live my life out in some favored spot—
+Some country where it is considered nice
+To split a rival like a fish, or slice
+ +A husband like a spud, or with a shot
+ +Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
+And ready to be put upon the ice.
+Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
+ +To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim
+The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
+I seem +to see them now—a mighty throng.
+ +It looks as if to challenge me they came,
+Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!

+ +

Xamba Q. Dar.

+ +
+ + +

Dullard, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters +and life. The Dullards came in with +Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their +insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a +platitude. The Dullards came originally +from Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness +having blighted the crops. For some +centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to +this day. In the turbulent times of the +Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying +most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and +theology. Since a detachment of +Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower +and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, +and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult +Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including +the statisticians. The intellectual +centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England +Dullard is the most shockingly moral.

+ +

duty, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

+ + + + + +
+ +

Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,

+Was wroth at his master, who’d kissed Lady Port.
+His anger provoked him to take the king’s head,
+But duty prevailed, and he took the king’s bread,
+ +Instead. +

G. J.

+ +
+ + + \ No newline at end of file -- cgit v1.2.3