From 46439007cf417cbd9ac8049bb4122c890097a0fa Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "Charles.Forsyth" Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2006 20:52:35 +0000 Subject: 20060303-partial --- lib/ebooks/devils/A.html | 586 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 586 insertions(+) create mode 100644 lib/ebooks/devils/A.html (limited to 'lib/ebooks/devils/A.html') diff --git a/lib/ebooks/devils/A.html b/lib/ebooks/devils/A.html new file mode 100644 index 00000000..e4faf69c --- /dev/null +++ b/lib/ebooks/devils/A.html @@ -0,0 +1,586 @@ + + + + + + +The Devil’s Dictionary: A + + + + +

A

+ +

abasement, n. A decent and customary +mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing +an employer.

+ +

abatis, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, +to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

+ +

abdication, n. An act +whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.

+ +

+
+
Poor Isabella’s Dead, whose abdication
+
Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
+
For that performance ’twere unfair to scold her:
+
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
+
To History she’ll be no royal riddle—
+
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
+
G. J.
+
+

+ +

abdomen, n. The temple of the god +Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a +stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence +for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world’s +marketing the race would become graminivorous.

+ +

ability, n. The natural equipment to accomplish +some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly +found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is +rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

+ +

abnormal, adj. Not conforming to +standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to +be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter resemblance of the +Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death +and the hope of Hell.

+ +

aboriginies, n. Persons of little worth found +cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

+ +

abracadabra.

+ +

+
+
By Abracadabra we signify
+An infinite number of things.
+’Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
+And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby
+The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
+Is open to all who grope in night,
+Crying for Wisdom’s holy light.
+
+ +
+
Whether the word is a verb or a noun
+Is knowledge beyond my reach.
+I only know that ’tis handed down.
+From sage to sage,
+From age to age—
+An immortal part of speech!
+
+ +
+
Of an ancient man the tale is told
+That he lived to be ten centuries old,
+In a cave on a mountain side.
+(True, he finally died.)
+The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
+For his head was bald, and you’ll understand
+His beard was long and white
+And his eyes uncommonly bright.
+
+ +
+
Philosophers gathered from far and near
+To sit at his feat and hear and hear,
+Though he never was heard
+To utter a word
+But “Abracadabra, abracadab,
+Abracada, abracad,
+Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!”
+’Twas all he had,
+’Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
+Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
+Which they published next—
+A trickle of text
+In the meadow of commentary.
+Mighty big books were these,
+In a number, as leaves of trees;
+In learning, remarkably—very!
+
+ +
+
He’s dead,
+As I said,
+And the books of the sages have perished,
+But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
+In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
+Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
+O, I love to hear
+That word make clear
+Humanity’s General Sense of Things.
+
Jamrach Holobom.
+
+

+ +

abridge, v.t. To shorten.

+ +

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their +king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the +causes which impel them to the separation.—Oliver Cromwell

+ +

abrupt, adj. Sudden, without +ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most +affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author’s ideas that they were] +“concatenated without abruption.”

+ +

abscond, v.i. To “move +in a mysterious way,” commonly with the property of another.

+ +

+
+
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
+The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
+
Phela Orm.
+
+

+ +

absent, adj. Peculiarly +exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration +and affection of another.

+ +

+
+
To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
+What face he carries or what form he wears?
+But woman’s body is the woman. O,
+Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
+But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
+A woman absent is a woman dead.
+
+
Jogo Tyree.
+
+

+ +

absentee,n. A person +with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

+ +

absolute, adj. Independent, irresponsible. +An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. +Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the +sovereign’s power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are +governed by chance.

+ +

abstainer, n. A weak +person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains +from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

+ +

+
+
Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought
+You a total abstainer, my son.”
+“So I am, so I am,” said the scrapgrace caught—
+“But not, sir, a bigoted one.”
+
G. J.
+
+

+ +

absurdity, n. A statement or belief +manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.

+ +

academe, n. An ancient school where +morality and philosophy were taught.

+ +

academy, n. +(from academe). A modern school where football is taught.

+ +

accident, n. An inevitable +occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

+ +

accomplice, n. One associated +with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a +criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney’s position in the matter has not hitherto +commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

+ +

accord, n. Harmony.

+ +

accordion, n. An instrument +in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

+ +

accountability, n. The +mother of caution.

+ +

+
+
“My accountability, bear in mind,”
+Said the Grand Vizier: “Yes, yes,”
+Said the Shah: “I do—’tis the only kind
+Of ability you possess.”
+
Joram Tate.
+
+

+ +

accuse, v.t. To affirm another’s guilt +or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

+ +

acephalous, adj. In the surprising condition of the +Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, +passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

+ +

achievement, n. The death of endeavor +and the birth of disgust.

+ +

acknowledge, v.t. To confess. +Acknowledgement of one another’s faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of +truth.

+ +

acquaintance, n. A person whom we +know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when +its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or +famous.

+ +

actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

+ +

adage, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

+ +

adamant, n. A mineral frequently found +beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

+ +

adder, n. A species of snake. So called +from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

+ +

adherent, n. A follower who has not +yet obtained all that he expects to get.

+ +

administration, n. An ingenious +abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to +the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging +and dead-catting.

+ +

admiral, n. That part of a war-ship +which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking.

+ +

admiration, n. Our polite recognition of +another’s resemblance to ourselves.

+ +

admonition, n. Gentle +reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.

+ +

+
+
Consigned by way of admonition,
+His soul foever to perdition.
+
Judibras.
+
+

+ +

adore, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

+ +

advice, n. The smallest +current coin.

+ +

+
+
“The man was in such deep distress,”
+Said Tom, “that I could do no less
+Than give him good advice.” Said Jim:
+“If less could have been done for him
+I know you well enough, my son,
+To know that’s what you would have done.”
+
+

+ +

affianced, pp. Fitted with an +ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

+ +

affliction, n. An acclimatizing +process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

+ +

African, n. A nigger that votes our way.

+ +

age, n. That period of life in which +we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the +enterprise to commit.

+ +

agitator, n. A statesman who shakes +the fruit trees of his neighbors—to dislodge the worms.

+ +

aim, n. The task we set our wishes to.

+ +

+
+
“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”
+She tenderly inquired.
+“An aim? Well, no, I haven’t, wife;
+The fact is—I have fired.”
+
G. J.
+
+

+ +

air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a +bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

+ +

alderman, n. An ingenious criminal +who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

+ +

alien, n. An American sovereign +in his probationary state.

+ +

Allah, n. The Mahometan +Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

+ +

+
+
Allah’s good laws I faithfully have kept,
+And ever for the sins of man have wept;
+And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
+Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.
+
Junker Barlow.
+
+

+ +

allegiance, n.

+ +

+
+
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
+Is a ring fitted in the subject’s nose,
+Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
+To smell the sweetness of the Lord’s anointed.
+
G. J.
+
+

+ +

alliance, n. In international politics, +the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that +they cannot separately plunder a third.

+ +

alligator, n. The crocodile of +America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. +Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they +appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the +alligator is called a sawrian.

+ +

alone, adj. In bad company.

+ +

+
+
In contact, lo! the flint and steel,
+By spark and flame, the thought reveal
+That he the metal, she the stone,
+Had cherished secretly alone.
+
+

+ +

altar, n. The place whereupon +the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and +cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of +their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool.

+ +

+
+
They stood before the altar and supplied
+The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
+In vain the sacrifice!—no god will claim
+An offering burnt with an unholy flame.
+
M. P. Nopput.
+
+

+ +

ambidextrous, adj. Able to pick +with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

+ +

ambition, n. An overmastering +desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

+ +

amnesty, n. The state’s +magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

+ +

anoint, v.t. To grease a +king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

+ +

+
+
As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
+So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
+
Judibras.
+
+

+ +

antipathy, n. The sentiment +inspired by one’s friend’s friend.

+ +

aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

+ +

+
+
The flabby wine-skin of his brain
+Yields to some pathologic strain,
+And voids from its unstored abysm
+The driblet of an aphorism.
+
“The Mad Philosopher,” 1697.
+
+

+ +

apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future +offence.

+ +

apostate, n. A leech who, having +penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient +to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

+ +

apothecary, n. The +physician’s accomplice, undertaker’s benefactor and grave worm’s provider.

+ +

+
+
When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
+And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
+That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
+Disease for the apothecary’s health,
+Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
+“My deadliest drug shall bear my patron’s name!”
+
G. J.
+
+

+ +

appeal, v.t. In law, +to put the dice into the box for another throw.

+ +

appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully +implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

+ +

applause, n. The echo of +a platitude.

+ +

April Fool, n. The March +fool with another month added to his folly.

+ +

archbishop, n. An ecclesiastical +dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

+ +

+
+
If I were a jolly archbishop,
+On Fridays I’d eat all the fish up—
+Salmon and flounders and smelts;
+On other days everything else.
+
+
Jodo Rem.
+
+

+ +

architect, n. One who drafts a plan +of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

+ +

ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes +love without knowledge.

+ +

arena, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit +in which the statesman wrestles with his record.

+ +

aristocracy, n. Government by the +best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats +and clean shirts—guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

+ +

armor, n. The kind of clothing worn +by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

+ +

arrayed, pp. Drawn up and given an +orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.

+ +

arrest, v.t. Formally to detain one +accused of unusualness.

+ +

God made the world in six days and was arrested on the +seventh.—The Unauthorized Version

+ +

arsenic, n. A kind of +cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

+ +

+
+
“Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,”
+Consenting, he did speak up;
+“’Tis better you should eat it, pet,
+Than put it in my teacup.”
+
Joel Huck.
+
+

+ +

art, n. This word has no +definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J.

+ +

+
+
One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—
+Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
+And said it was a god’s name! Straight arose
+Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
+And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
+And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
+To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
+Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
+Amazed, the populace that rites attend,
+Believe whate’er they cannot comprehend,
+And, inly edified to learn that two
+Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
+Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
+Than Nature’s hairs that never have been split,
+Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
+And sell their garments to support the priests.
+
+

+ +

artlessness, n. A certain engaging +quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, +who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

+ +

asperse, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe +to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

+ +

ass, n. A public singer with +a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, +and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art +and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human +imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., +De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) +if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, +by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of +men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. +This is no small distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great +splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It +may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.

+ +

+
+
“Hail, holy Ass!”the quiring angels sing;
+“Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!”
+Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:
+God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!”
+
G. J.
+
+

+ +

auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims +with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

+ +

Australia, n. A country lying in the +South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate +dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

+ +

avernus, n. The lake by which the +ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake +is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian +rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be +an error.

+ +

+
+
Facilis descensus Averni,
+The poet remarks; and the sense
+Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
+Will get more of punches than pence.
+
Jehal Dai Lupe.
+
+

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